Melancholic Monday

Beautiful music video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOuKdeZ2x-M&feature=player_embedded

I'll try to minimize the cute. But again, I couldn't resist.

Exam study

I've got an exam for my social anthropology 101 paper next Saturday so I've been revising what I've learned this semester and it's got me thinking on a few things in my life. Bodily symbols. My hair has been a major symbol in my life. My long, white blond hair communicated a certain "message" in my teens. What would you say of a platinum blonde? Ditzy? Fun? No self respect? "Keen"?? Cause that's how boys and men alike treated me. (With the few exceptions of course.)

After my boyfriend unexpectedly died at the age of 17 I wanted no more of this unwanted attention. I had become a "born again" Christian and my sexuality was not a welcome part of my "new life". Not knowing how to cope with my new asexuality I decided the easiest option was to shave my head. Rid myself of past identities and to start afresh. No more identity in my hair and consequently my sexuality please. So off it went.

As a new Christian, I thought my freshly shaved head meant that I was serious about this new life. It communicated the "dying to self" I heard preached each Sunday. I meant business. I became a "Jesus Freak." I banished my sexuality and started wearing army pants and T shirts to accompany my freshly shaven head. I would not be the "eye candy" of men any more and therefore would not have to worry about my sexuality because I had effectively killed it. No more unwanted sexual advances. My shaven head was a symbol: Old life gone. Sexuality gone. New commitment to Christ and His ways. (Which I saw a sex-less of course.)

This symbol however can be read differently as I was soon to find out. What do you think when you see a young women in army pants, T shirt, shaven head and pierced nose? Not born again Christian I would presume. My predators now became women. At a bar with my friends a young women approached me and asked, "Are you straight?...Or bendable? My friend wants to know."

Confusion ensued. I was a new Christian for fucks sake not a new Lesbian. Damn.

Bodily symbols. What are you actually communicating to the world?

Found this pic on the interweb. Too funny not to share.

Beautiful Jellyfish blog

http://justjellyfish.tumblr.com/ Enjoy!

Pretty bird.

Another whirl. Again

I have a new MacBook Pro. It makes typing so much more sexy. I feel like a undercover agent every time to open it up and log in. This, combined with an added interest from friends wanting to here more ramblings, I've decided to write more. Not very anonymous anymore. Haha, but I've decided I will continue to write as though I kinda am. Maybe I can trick myself into being a little honest about things that way. Indulge me. : )

Life has been interesting over the last year. By interesting I mean fucken hard. I am working through the heartaches of my life with fresh vision. Trying to strip away the "illusion" to get to "the reality." I am in the process of finding a therapist to do this with. Recently I was assessed by a psychiatrist who thankfully concluded that the problems I face are not mental but rather emotional. No anti-depressents or other meds needed but recommended a "Schema focussed or DBT orientated psychological programme" in a letter he sent to my GP. Here's a link I just found for a brief definition: http://www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm

So, you are welcome to follow me in this journey if you want. I will try to be honest without being depressing. : ) Actually, I am not depressed anyway. The main emotions I struggle with these days are anger and fear. But there is "a way" and I'm going to walk it.

I won't just blog about this aspect of my life. I have so much joy and laughter which will hopefully also peep through the chaos. xx

I opened a box toady and found a whole lot of old letters, poems, school books and the like. In one, there was a page of comments that my class mates had written about me after we had been at camp. We were 14 years old. My teacher at the time had also written his thoughts on me,
"Bubbly blonde - scared of cuddles though! Fun + cheerful - Excellent sense of humour - Keen + playful." WTF?? "Keen and playful"??? ....All the more reason to be a cold, harsh bitch.

Thinking back

I have to write an essay. About how Maltese Pagans compare to Pagans globally. It's a compulsory subject that I have been given. I don't often think about Pagans to be honest. Such a small minority and hardly visible within my culture. But this assignment did get me thinking back to a time when I did actually used to know a few Pagans personally.

They were an interesting group of women. (And one brother.) Not all lesbians but perhaps bisexual at least. My best friend at the time introduced me to this lovely, ragtag bunch of outcasts. She was their "alpha female". (if there is such a thing.) I was the "odd" one in this bunch because I was straight and even more oddly a Christian. Despite this they accepted me (somewhat cautiously) into their "family". I never did involve myself in their rituals or even inquire what their beliefs were. (Youthful foolishness and fear of the unknown.) But we'd go out (mainly to the gay bars) and we'd share our laughter and terrible dancing. And in the quiet of long road trips and lying under the stars, we'd find peace and comfort in a shared humanity.

I wonder why life can't be this easy sometimes? Love and Grace walk hand in hand.

Religion

It's become very evident to me that for most, religion is like a wooden leg. It helps them to stumble through life but in essence, it has no life blood running through it at all. No flexibility, no warmth, limited strength, it's just an inanimate object that can be removed and then strapped back on when the need arises.

I want no part of this. Culture is no excuse for a belief in a false god. It is said that "by their fruit you shall know them." But perception and "reality" are subjective. What might look like apples may infact be pears......Just a thought for the day.