Monday, June 28, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Exam study
I've got an exam for my social anthropology 101 paper next Saturday so I've been revising what I've learned this semester and it's got me thinking on a few things in my life. Bodily symbols. My hair has been a major symbol in my life. My long, white blond hair communicated a certain "message" in my teens. What would you say of a platinum blonde? Ditzy? Fun? No self respect? "Keen"?? Cause that's how boys and men alike treated me. (With the few exceptions of course.)
After my boyfriend unexpectedly died at the age of 17 I wanted no more of this unwanted attention. I had become a "born again" Christian and my sexuality was not a welcome part of my "new life". Not knowing how to cope with my new asexuality I decided the easiest option was to shave my head. Rid myself of past identities and to start afresh. No more identity in my hair and consequently my sexuality please. So off it went.
As a new Christian, I thought my freshly shaved head meant that I was serious about this new life. It communicated the "dying to self" I heard preached each Sunday. I meant business. I became a "Jesus Freak." I banished my sexuality and started wearing army pants and T shirts to accompany my freshly shaven head. I would not be the "eye candy" of men any more and therefore would not have to worry about my sexuality because I had effectively killed it. No more unwanted sexual advances. My shaven head was a symbol: Old life gone. Sexuality gone. New commitment to Christ and His ways. (Which I saw a sex-less of course.)
This symbol however can be read differently as I was soon to find out. What do you think when you see a young women in army pants, T shirt, shaven head and pierced nose? Not born again Christian I would presume. My predators now became women. At a bar with my friends a young women approached me and asked, "Are you straight?...Or bendable? My friend wants to know."
Confusion ensued. I was a new Christian for fucks sake not a new Lesbian. Damn.
Bodily symbols. What are you actually communicating to the world?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Another whirl. Again
I have a new MacBook Pro. It makes typing so much more sexy. I feel like a undercover agent every time to open it up and log in. This, combined with an added interest from friends wanting to here more ramblings, I've decided to write more. Not very anonymous anymore. Haha, but I've decided I will continue to write as though I kinda am. Maybe I can trick myself into being a little honest about things that way. Indulge me. : )
Life has been interesting over the last year. By interesting I mean fucken hard. I am working through the heartaches of my life with fresh vision. Trying to strip away the "illusion" to get to "the reality." I am in the process of finding a therapist to do this with. Recently I was assessed by a psychiatrist who thankfully concluded that the problems I face are not mental but rather emotional. No anti-depressents or other meds needed but recommended a "Schema focussed or DBT orientated psychological programme" in a letter he sent to my GP. Here's a link I just found for a brief definition: http://www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm
So, you are welcome to follow me in this journey if you want. I will try to be honest without being depressing. : ) Actually, I am not depressed anyway. The main emotions I struggle with these days are anger and fear. But there is "a way" and I'm going to walk it.
I won't just blog about this aspect of my life. I have so much joy and laughter which will hopefully also peep through the chaos. xx
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